Sheldon Cooper: I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, and it was the greatest sarcastic quip I’ve ever heard.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, aren’t you a peach.



Penny Hofstadter: You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets?
Sheldon Cooper: You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert!


Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, Sheldon, maybe if you take the time to actually read Bert’s research, you’d be less bitter about him winning.
Sheldon Cooper: You want me to read a geology paper?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Honestly, I just want you to be quiet but I’m all out of taffy.


Leonard Hofstadter: It’s always fun watching him read someone else’s work.
Penny Hofstadter: It’s like scrolling through the emojis on my phone.
Sheldon Cooper: Ye– why? Eh, why?! Oh, that’s why.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sounds like the night we had coitus.


Sheldon Cooper: I-I am angry! And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry! And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel?
Penny Hofstadter: Ooh, a-angry?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Penny Hofstadter: I-I-I knew the answer. I got excited.


Sheldon Cooper: I admire you, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really, why?
Sheldon Cooper: You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.
Leonard Hofstadter: I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why.


Sheldon Cooper: I tried to let go of anger and threw a rock into my foot!
Leonard Hofstadter: Then he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.
Penny Hofstadter: Wha–? And what happened to you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It’s fine.


Sheldon Cooper: Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, how will we ever get used to the new you?


Howard Wolowitz: What is going on? Did you upgrade his software last night?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think he might be learning on his own.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Then the robot uprising has begun.


Amy Farrah Fowler: I can’t believe you head-butted a water fountain.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain, and hit my head on the water fountain.


Leonard Hofstadter: I’ve always been jealous of how much money Raj’s family has.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Thank you for saying that. Next to buying things, that is the best part about having money.


Penny Hofstadter: You liked my short hair, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah… I loved it. Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.


Bert: Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.
Sheldon Cooper: We… Hang on. You’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my fr– Okay, I’m good to go.


Ellen DeGeneres: A new study came out, and it said that laughing makes your brain work better. And I know that’s true because laughing has made me the “smartiest.” Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot, and they’re dumb.
Sheldon Cooper (to Bert): Do people know about her? ‘Cause she’s delightful.

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