1.
Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz: When I go back to work, we’re gonna leave her with these people. We don’t know anything about them.
Howard Wolowitz: They’re highly-trained educators with background checks. They’re even required to be current on all vaccinations.
Stuart: You leave her with me, and I’m not any of those things.
2.
Sheldon Cooper: Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, “Did you know you were going 85 miles per hour?” And Heisenberg says, “Darn it, now I don’t know where I am.”
3.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, wh– Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman (Bert’s girlfriend).
Bert Kibbler: What do you want to know?
Sheldon Cooper: Is she a geologist?
Bert Kibbler: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, great. See you at 7:00.
4.
Howard Wolowitz: It wasn’t until college that I learned you can put a thermometer in your mouth.
5.
Penny Hofstadter: So is this your first time dating a scientist? ‘Cause I’m thinking of starting a support group.
Rebecca: Actually, I’m not new to this. I was engaged to a Scientologist.
6.
Sheldon Cooper: I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.
Rebecca: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.
Sheldon Cooper: See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It wasn’t a time-out. Let’s get some food.
Sheldon Cooper: You made me sit on the stairs and think about what I did.
7.
Rebecca: Did I say something wrong?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it’s always him (Sheldon).
8.
Bert Kibbler: I wasn’t getting any responses, and then I added, “Recent $625,000 MacArthur grant winner”, and five minutes later, I met my soul mate.
Amy Farrah Fowler (to Sheldon): I was wrong. You can come back in.
9.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?
Bert Kibbler: She better be. On our first date, I bought her an 80-inch flat-screen.
Sheldon Cooper: Your first date? Did you even measure her walls?
10.
Sheldon Cooper: Feynman, Einstein and Schrodinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, “It appears we’re inside a joke.” Einstein replies, “But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously.” To which Schrodinger says, “If someone’s looking in the window, I’m leaving.”
11.
Amy Farrah Fowler (Sheldon): You know, you need to start raising your hand before you speak. (Sheldon raises his hand immediately) Yes, starting now.
12.
Leonard Hofstadter (to Bert): You don’t have to go. You’re welcome to hang with us.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of color.
13.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Relax. We’re the same blood type. He knew he could harvest an organ.